I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.
You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
- Steven Wright

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
—Oscar Wilde

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
- Mark Twain

The only fish that swim with the current are the dead ones.
- Plague in the Alnwick Castle Gardens

Most often, the person you would die for would settle for dinner and a movie.
-Robert Brault

 The obscure we see eventually.  The completely obvious, it seems, takes longer.
-Edward R Morrow

If you don't know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.
-Yogi Berra

Eggs cannot be unscrambled.
-American Proverb

The only Zen you can find on the tops of mountains is the Zen you bring there.
-Robert M. Pirsig

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. -
Chili Davis

Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.
—Kurt Vonnegut

If the lessons of history teach us anything
it is that nobody learns the lessons history teaches us.
—Anon

There is still no cure for the common birthday. 
-John Glenn

What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left.
—Oscar Levant

I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.
—Richard Lewis

Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up.
-Robert Frost

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices …… take it or leave it
- Buddy Hackett

You can observe a lot by just watching. 
- Yogi Berra

Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children;
now I have six children and no theories.
—John Wilmot

You can bear your troubles or shrug them off.  They're your shoulders. 
- Robert Brault

It is possible at any age to discover a lifelong desire you never knew you had. 
-Robert Brault